Posts for Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Written on Wednesday March 12, 2008 at around 3 PM
There are a few reasons behind my site:
- To talk honestly about what I'm going through as a parent, wife and an individual.
- To raise awareness about certain medical things.
- To write so I can keep my sanity at times.
- If you are going through certain things and I'm going through them that you don't have to feel alone or scared. I want to build solid connections so maybe we can make other peoples lives better as well as our own.
I am a 28 almost 29 year old mom of two kids under the age of 5 and a wife for the past seven and a half years. Most days I am proud to say that, then there are days where I wondered why did I do that. Because of my family past I have many issues now and because my past has now become my future, I no longer feel as though I can properly deal with it at times.
What I mean by my past issues and my past now my future is that I (like my mom and brother) have pre-cancer cells that cold turn into colon cancer. Unlike my mom and brother I found out before the cells have been able to turn into cancer. My mom had colon cancer and died in July 1996, my brother (who is younger than me) was diagnosed with full blown colon cancer in October 2006. I waited just over two years before I went in for my colonoscopy and luckily I did.
I have been diagnosed with Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP for short) which means that I have a lot of polyps in my large intestine and will start off as benign (non-cancerous), malignant which can then turn into colon cancer if not treated. So I was diagnosed with this and now I have been referred to the Mayo Clinic to find out what subversion I have (Gardner Syndrome or what the case may be) so we know. The thing that will probably happen is that I will lose my colon. Yeah that sucks BUT since I have found out this early that I DON'T have to have any treatment and I will live a normal life.
After the surgery I can POSSIBLY opt for a second surgery called a Proctocolectomy with Ileoanal Pouch which basically means that they can use my small intestine to try to re-create the same functions as a large intestine. They make part of the small intestine into a pouch and attach it to the anus so you can have continuity of the digestive tract. We don't know for sure if I have to have all these surgeries but most likely will and we will find out more information on April 2, 2008.
Ok, so now back to the other family issues. My older sister L died just before I was born of a disease called Ganglioneuroblastoma, or so I've been told. Either way she died of a cancer just after she turned 4 years old. After that happened my family really went down the crapper. One family member calls my brother and me an "Orphan" because my parents didn't have enough time to grieve before they had me.
I was born seven months after my sister died. I don't know if they were happy that I was born but no matter I came and I am here now. My parents basically raised me as an adult for much of my life. I was told growing up that, "I will never talk to the people I do in high school." That was pretty much burned into my brain, yes I had friends and I only talk to one from high school but my complaint was that because of what I had been told I was never given the opportunity to find real friendships. I was set up to fail, I always questioned the friendship and really don't have faith when it comes to them.
My dad was and is a very controlling, manipulative, lying and negative human being. His goal in life is to make you feel sooo small that you almost have to rely on him to make your decisions for you. My goal in life was to never disappoint them because, I don't know why. After my mom died (when I was 17 years old) I took over the role of housekeeper, runner and whatever else was needed. I took so much crap that by the time I moved back in with my dad in Detroit (in mid-1997) that I could no longer live with him and I moved out and got my own apartment.
I'll go into the specifics of that whole thing later. Now it's been 11 years and I'm getting help from many different places and being smarter about things. I am the total opposite of my family. I go to church, I seek medical attention when needed, I face things head on, try to eat healthy and clean life. I know that I have anger issues and sometimes I blow up at my kids, I know this and I am able to stop myself most of the time. It's a little harder for me right now because of what I'm going through and also The Man's dad had a major heart attack this past weekend and so we're dealing with that. The prognosis for his dad isn't good unless he decides to make a change, if not then he'll be dead in two months.
So as you can see that I'm messed up beyond recognition but I am trying to get help and be a positive role model to my kids that I can. I know I NEED to be a better parent, slowly I am becoming one. I have to be healthier, so can recover from my surgeries faster. I will be here for my kids hopefully when I'm in my 80's. I am not going to be like my mom and not have this surgery done because I am a better person than she was. I am not afraid because I know that after this is done, I WILL LIVE!! I don't have cancer and I sure as heck WON'T have COLON CANCER!!!!
As this goes on I want you to keep reading because this will hopefully make you realize that this is scary but if you just keep your eye on the ball and just get tested and realize that, you can either beat it or stop it from coming. Yes I have jumped from thing to thing but in the end it will all make sense I promise.
(permalink)